Gas Masks and Whoopee Cushions

When I first ran for Congress in 2008, I was privileged to take a guided tour of the U.S. Capitol. The tour was conducted by David Barton, the founder of WallBuilders, a Texas-based nonprofit organization that teaches and promotes America’s Judeo-Christian heritage and founding principles.

As part of the tour, I got to see the rotunda – where eight large paintings depicting the discovery and development of America are hung – as well as Statuary Hall, which features 100 statues (two from each state). However, my favorite part of the tour was going inside the actual House chambers.

First, we gazed down from the balcony where so many distinguished guests have sat during presidential addresses. Next, we went down onto the House floor, where all 435 members sit, debate, and vote on the most pressing issues of our time. Because it is the largest room in the Capitol building, the House chamber also serves as the setting for the annual State of the Union address with all 100 senators joining their House colleagues.

It was there that David Barton shared a bit of congressional trivia. “Guess what is under every seat in the House chamber?” he asked our small group. When no one came up with the correct answer, Barton said with a knowing smile, “a gas mask.”

Why would such a precaution be necessary in one of the most secure buildings in the world?

On March 1, 1954, four Puerto Rican nationalists who supported independence for Puerto Rico opened fire during a House debate on an immigration bill. The assailants fired 30 rounds from the balcony with semi-automatic pistols, wounding five U.S. congressman. Fortunately, all five survived and the attackers were arrested, tried, convicted, and given long prison sentences. In 1978 and 1979, President Jimmy Carter commuted their sentences and the assailants returned home to Puerto Rico, where they eventually died.

Back to the gas masks…

As I watched President Biden’s State of the Union address on March 7th, it occurred to me that at least one-third of his one hour and seven-minute speech consisted of applause. And not just applause but standing and clapping. Up, down, up, down, up, down like a bunch of yo-yos.

This year, it was the Democrats turn to act like Mexican jumping beans while their Republican colleagues mostly sat stoically on their hands. During the Trump administration, the tables were turned with the GOP caucuses jumping and gyrating like they were auditioning for a spot on American Bandstand, the Baby Boomer version of So You Think You Dance… while the Democrats sat sullenly and still with sour expressions pasted on their faces.

All those political gymnastics got me thinking. If only we could come up with a deterrent of some kind that would keep the audience glued to their respective seats, we could cut the State of the Union address by 30-50%. That means that instead of bloviating for more than an hour while being interrupted by applause dozens of times, the next president could finish in time to be home for Gutfeld!, which airs at 10:00 EST.

With this in mind, here is my solution…

Install a self-inflating whoopee cushion on each seat. When the person stands, the cushion is filled with air. When they sit back down, it emits an embarrassing sound.

If that doesn’t work, then we could attach a device similar to an electric cattle prod that delivers a small shock every time a senator or representative leaves their seat. Wouldn’t you just love to see Maxine Waters wig lift right off her head or the combovers of Richard Blumenthal, Tom Carper, John Hickenlooper, Ed Markey, and Ron Wyden stand on end? How about Chuck Schumer’s hair plugs bursting into flame?

(By the way, what is it with Democrats and their bad hair? Do they subconsciously want to be more like Donald Trump?)

OK, back to my twin proposals. First, we install whoopee cushions and then we move onto electric cattle prods. Are you with me?