The Hidden Perils of Gray Divorce

If you were a teenager in the 1970s, one of the singing groups that got a lot of airtime on your AM car radio was the Captain and Tennille. Darryl Dragon, who got his “Captain Keyboard” stage nickname from Mike Love of the Beach Boys, and Toni Tennille met in 1972 and married in 1975. Together, they recorded such hit songs as “Love Will Keep Us Together,” “Do That to Me One More Time,” and “Muskrat Love.”

After their recording career slowed down, the Captain and Tennille still drew large crowds in Las Vegas and other venues. Toni Tennille even reinvented herself as a solo act, recording two albums from the Great American Songbook.

Sadly, Darryl and Toni divorced in 2014, after 39 years of marriage. Toni cited the Captain’s health issues in her divorce filing, but later admitted that his lack of affection was the real reason. Darryl Dragon died of kidney failure in 2019 with Toni at his bedside.

The Captain and Tennille aren’t alone when it comes to high-profile couples who called it quits after decades of marriage. Luciano Pavarotti and Adua Veroni divorced in 2000 after 39 years of marriage as did Buddy Ebsen and Nancy Wolcott in 1985 after, you guessed it, 39 years together. Likewise, Malcolm and Roberta Forbes went their separate ways in 1985 as did Dan Akroyd and Donna Dixon in 2022… both after 39 years of marriage.

Al and Tipper Gore made it to their 40th wedding anniversary before separating, while Meryl Streep and Don Gummer decided to start living apart after 45 years together.

What’s with all the late-in-life divorces?
Well, it isn’t just the Hollywood elite and other celebrities who are ending long-term marriages these days. According to USA Today, the divorce rate has doubled since 1990 for Americans over 55. For couples over 65, the rate has tripled.

Whereas the divorce rate for younger couples has declined in recent years, so-called “gray divorce” rates have surged. “One in 10 people getting divorced today is 65 or older. That is remarkable,” said Susan Brown, distinguished professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University in Ohio. “A growing share of aging adults will be aging alone,” she added.

How sad is that! Sharing a life with someone for 40 years or more and then throwing in the towel as you both enter your supposedly “Golden Years” makes no sense to me. Not only is such a parting of the ways tragic, but it is also financially disastrous in many cases. In monetary terms, divorce is costly to anyone. Yet, for older Americans, the costs are far steeper.

“I haven’t seen a scenario in which either partner is better off financially,” said Elizabeth Windisch, a certified financial planner in Denver.

According to research by Professor Brown and her colleagues, a man can expect his standard of living to decline by 21% after a gray divorce, while a woman’s standard of living will plunge by 45%. Meanwhile, both partners will see their wealth decline by half.

Ouch!

Trying to recapture one’s youth by jettisoning your longtime spouse is a recipe for emotional and financial ruin. In my humble opinion, your money would be better spent on marriage counseling than hiring a divorce attorney.

Deanna and I are coming up on our 39th wedding anniversary in June and I can’t imagine my life without her. In fact, my love for her on our wedding day pales in comparison to my love for her today. I dare say that she is more beautiful – inside and out – than the day I first laid eyes on her in 1984… and that’s really saying something.

Folks, please don’t become just another gray divorce statistic. Leave a legacy for your children and grandchildren by working out your differences and keeping your wedding vows.

You CAN do it… even if the Captain and Tennille chose not to.