Joe Biden vs. a Jet Engine

The funniest graphic I ever saw during the broadcast of an NFL game occurred on Thanksgiving Day in 2016. Traditionally, the Detroit Lions and the Dallas Cowboys host games on that holiday and, in this particular instance, the Lions were taking on the visiting Minnesota Vikings.

As you might have expected, the league had hired a professional vocalist to sing the National Anthem prior to kickoff. There are 80 words in the first stanza of the Star-Spangled Banner and over the course of the first 56 Super Bowls, it has taken vocalists an average of 1 minute and 55.6 seconds to sing them.

Not Aretha Franklin. The “Queen of Soul” stretched the song to more than 4 ½ minutes. In fact, her tortured and meandering version was so overdrawn and overdone that CBS Sports showed a graphic at halftime depicting the respective times of possession. Here is how that hilarious graphic read…

Lions – 14:37… Vikings – 10:48… Aretha Franklin – 4:35

Needless to say, I couldn’t stop laughing and although the graphic went viral, I am sure that CBS Sports received its fair share of complaints (and compliments). Meanwhile, Ms. Franklin was roasted on social media with one fan writing that she should be charged with a “delay of game penalty” while another claimed that they had cooked and eaten their Thanksgiving turkey and washed all the dishes while she was singing.

Ms. Franklin’s mangling of our National Anthem brought to mind President Biden’s recent State of the Union address. For the record, Mr. Biden spoke for one hour, seven minutes, and 17 seconds. That was a little long in comparison to most SOTU addresses (see my blog post from Friday, March 15th titled “Why I Miss Richard Milhous Nixon”), but what set it apart was its delivery.

No, it wasn’t eloquent and no, it wasn’t the least bit memorable. It was simply L-O-U-D. Excruciatingly loud. Eardrum-rupturing loud. So loud, as a matter of fact, that I commissioned a scientific lab filled with trained sound engineers to measure the decibel level of President Biden’s speech and compare it to some other common, everyday noises.

Here are the results…

A whisper or the rustling of leaves – 20 decibels

A library or bird calls – 40 decibels

A conversation in a restaurant, background music, or an air conditioner at 100 feet – 60 decibels

A garbage disposal or dishwasher, a freight train at 15 meters and a car wash at 20 feet – 80 decibels

A power mower, a motorcycle at 25 feet, and a Boeing 737 at one nautical mile before landing – 90 decibels

An outboard motor, a tractor, or a jackhammer – 100 decibels

A car horn at 1 meter or live rock music – 110 decibels

A thunderclap, a chain saw, or an oxygen torch – 120 decibels

A military jet aircraft take-off from aircraft carrier with afterburner at 50 ft – 130 decibels

An aircraft carrier deck – 140 decibels

A jet engine at takeoff at 25 meters – 150 decibels (the level at which an eardrum ruptures)

Joe Biden’s State of the Union address – 250 decibels (100 decibels louder than a jet plane taking off right next to you)

No wonder I have been experiencing severe tinnitus and bleeding from my ear canal since last Thursday night’s speech. I pity the poor members of Congress who had to endure that auditory onslaught… and especially the Supreme Court justices who were seated in the front row.

Turn down the volume, Joe… and the nasty rhetoric, too!