The Same Tired Old Democratic Playbook

Last week, I stopped by some yard sales in my area and came across an antique fire alarm, the kind that says, “In case of emergency, break glass.” Since my maternal grandfather was a fire chief, I thought “Why not?” and so, I plunked down the asking price and went merrily on my way.

However, when I got home, I realized that I had purchased something far more valuable – and sinister – than I had bargained for, because inside the fire alarm was a letter written by Barack Obama to Joe Biden, dated March 6, 2024… the day before President Biden delivered his State of the Union address.

“Dear Joe,” it read, “the fact that you have broken the glass and are reading this note is proof that you are tanking in the polls and your re-election campaign is imploding. And so, I am writing to offer you some sage advice that has served me and every other Democratic president, senator, and representative extremely well for the past 50 years.”

“First things first, Joe, you never should have run for president in the first place. You know… and I know… and now America knows that you are simply not up to the job. That being said, you managed to fool the voters in 2020 thanks to the Covid pandemic, which allowed you to campaign from your basement bunker. This year is different, Joe, so you are going to have to go out on the stump and actually give a few speeches.”

“The problem is that you don’t have a clue what to say and when you do, you mumble your words so incoherently that no one knows what you are saying. You even have a dickens of a time reading the large-print teleprompter and cue cards that your campaign team has printed up for you.”

“So, I am going to make this as easy as possible for you, Joe. All you need to do is remember two things, OK? Got that? Just two things, Joe. The first one is you have to accuse the Republicans of wanting to restrict access to abortions. The key – stop nodding off, Joe, this is important stuff – is not to call it abortion, because everyone knows that abortion kills an unborn baby with a beating heart. Instead, refer to it as “reproductive rights” and act as if our Founding Fathers fought the Revolutionary War so that woman would have the right to murder their own babies in the womb. The same goes for the Civil War, Joe. It wasn’t fought over slavery; it was fought so that women could use abortion as a means of birth control. Got it, Joe?”

“Remember how Joseph Goebbels, the Nazi Minister of Propaganda, said, ‘If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it?’ Well, Joe, if it worked for the Third Reich, it will work for you. Trust me, I speak from experience. Remember when I told people that I didn’t have the power to allow children brought into our country illegally to stay here, but then I did it anyway? I just gave it a fancy name like DACA and an even fancier nickname like ‘the Dreamers Act.’ Who could be opposed to something called the Dreamers Act, right Joe? It’s all about packaging your lie so that people want to believe it.”

“The second thing I want you to do, Joe, is to demonize large corporations and rich people. Sure, I know that you and I are both filthy rich and our massive fortunes came from selling our office and peddling our influence for personal gain. So what? Most people don’t know that, and most people don’t care. Just keep acting like you are sleeping on a park bench and eating your meals at a soup kitchen… and they will love you. Keep calling yourself ‘Lunch bucket Joe” even though you never once packed a sandwich, instead eating for pennies on the dollar in the taxpayer-subsidized senate cafeteria all those years. And yeah, keep telling stories about how you rode Amtrak every day from Delaware to D.C., even though that was another senate perk.”

“People are dumb, Joe, and the dumbest people of all are registered voters. You see, they don’t realize that if you increase the corporate tax rate, companies will stop investing, lay off workers, and increase their prices. Higher corporate taxes always get passed onto the consumer but, like I said, the average voter is clueless about how the economy really works. So just keep portraying rich people as thieves even though the Top 10% of wage earners pay 90% of all federal income taxes. It’s time they pay their fair share, right Joe?”

“Look Joe, you only have eight months until Election Day, so I suggest that you start using my two-part campaign strategy right away, beginning with the State of the Union address tomorrow night. Take a long nappy, drink about a dozen Red Bulls, and then scream at the top of your lungs that Republicans hate women, and that rich people are evil. Let them see your eyes bulge and the veins in your neck stand out.”

“Trust me, Joe, you’ll have the voters eating out of the palm of your hand in no time. After all, the media already is… or should that be the media already are? Either way, follow my advice to the tee and you are home free, Joe. Just watch your step on those stairs and remember to accuse Donald Trump of being afraid to debate when it’s really you who is running scared.”

Your friend,
Barack

P.S. Michelle and I would love to host you and Jill for a long weekend after the election is over so I can tell you who should be in your second-term cabinet. And yes, I promise there will be lots of ice cream, Joe.

P.S.S. Should you lose, the blame is all yours and we never had this conversation.